This lesson is designed to help the speaker affect an Irish brogue by employing two key changes:
'I' becomes 'uh-I'
life, die, kind, night, right
The short 'a' leans toward the short 'o'
cat leans toward cot
have, daft, back, crack, last, passed, add, ashes, act, Alison
This monologue is Mortimer from "Pandora 2011: Accounts of the Cursed Shopping Center."
I'm here about Alison.
I don't know where to begin.
I've had a little to drink.
I know that Alison and you have this long history.
You were a large part of her life for a stretch.
And now you're here for her.
I'm not daft.
Right now Alison says she hates you, you should die, she never wants to see you again.
That's what she says right now.
But I know that one of these nights she'll be right where I am, looking you over with a nostalgic ache in her heart.
I thought I'd beat her to the punch and come to see you first.
I knew the whole story.
I knew you left her.
I always figured you'd come back.
But there are parts of this that you aren't aware of.
Alison cracked up when you left.
She refused to eat.
Had to be locked away for months.
I met her last year when her mother passed, and Alison hadn't been with anyone else. In six years, no one since you.
Now, I deal with grief every day.
People walk into my shop in terrible states.
But I see those people bounce back.
Even during the brief process of arranging a funeral, people begin to heal.
Not so with Alison.
In my completely unprofessional opinion, the girl is shaky.
There are days when I leave the house, and I don't know if she's going to be there when I get back.
I've buried many people.
I don't want to add her to my list.
I'm older than you.
I've seen things I didn't want to.
They made me learn to look at a situation for what it is.
As much as it hurts, I can admit that Alison isn't in love with me.
If you win Alison back, so be it.
I'll let her go.
But if you came here for kicks, to seduce her and then pull your disappearing act, I'm telling you I won't take kindly to it.
Another disappointment would kill her.
If I have to bury her, I'll cremate your skinny ass and dump your ashes.
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